"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Drunk walkin through police station. America
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
