She's JV to your varsity
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
