Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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