go do what you do best...puke behind churches
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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