pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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