this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
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