i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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