I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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