I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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