I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
