I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
