hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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