The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
