Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
