Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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