He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
