K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
