The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Randomize
