I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
i've created a new STD.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
