I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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