my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
