If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Randomize
