was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
