How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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