24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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