She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
