If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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