Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
