dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I just want nice things and good sex
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
