There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Randomize
