Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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