Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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