I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
