I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
