Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Randomize
