so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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