I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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