I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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