Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
