I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
