and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
