He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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