My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
