did you get engaged???
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
