i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
apparently the secret to your success is patron
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Randomize
