it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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