I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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