I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
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