I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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