Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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