We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize