I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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