I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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