she woke up with a sticky ear
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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