when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
