Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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