mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
