so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
