we have pet lesbian snakes
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
