you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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