Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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